..In Pursuit Of My Future..

After the incident happened last Saturday, My form teacher finally settled it down..Me and the ones involved was called..My teacher ask us to talk as adult and tried telling what our flaws were to each other..But my friend that was involved said that there wasn't any problem with me, but one of them said that sometime i brag a little but he said it wasn't really a big deal..What happened in the English room was just to play around a bit..But in a way it did seriously hurt me..I was offended by it...

But in the end of the day, even they said that there wasn't any reason for it, they didn't had anything against me, what happened last Thursday was just a joke or whatsoever ..I tried to understand why they did it..Everything happens for a reason rite?..So i told them, maybe I'm not really to close with them in a way..I'm always with my ex classmate (girls)..I'm not really always around them..Or whatsoever..Then i gave good reasons for all of the above..I told them a why, the reasons..

It was because, in a way my ex classmate knows me better, we can cooperate and they understands me..The reason for me not always around them in breaktime or whatsoever was because sometimes my work are not 100% finish, and sometimes rather than talking to my classmate i talk to my exclassmate, i told them that i miss my ex- classmate, My form 3 classmates are very important to me and i love them dearly and i dont want them to forget me bcoz theyre a part of my life so, its hard for me to be forgotten just like that, but i told them i also love this class, i don't want to be anywhere else, and also i love my classmate right now..I told all of this and they seemed to understand it..

Huge mistakes was made when i first entered the class, i went to Paris and UK for holiday and i was missing a week of class, this was a bad thing for me and my friends..Because when i entered the class My classmate(guys)already formed a bond, a bond of friendship in between, that was a bad thing for me because when i entered they see me as new student, a new face in their pictures..That's when it all started, i also didn't joined the dancing for National Day because i was late but all of my classmate(boys) joined it.. This was the worst thing that could happen on my first term because theyre bonds were becoming more tighter in the process, while i was getting nowhere closer to them...this was the start of a harsh friendship..

Lastly, i told them what was going through around me.. that adapting isn't my thing, i dont go with the flow..Especially i DONT let go of the past and the people who were around me easily..It was too detail and i am tired right now..But i also told them that im not giving up, im still struglling to connect with them and be a part of their bonds, but I told them ill try the best i can..So the result was them managing to understand me and hopefully them knowing me as a good friend And mostly, them appreciating me for what im struglling..Next, my teacher also gave me this useful advice and it was really a good advice, i learned from it so much, and i took them..In the end, this all was satisfying for me..Them getting to know me better, sparks in us was cooled down and me learning things from my form teacher..

Today lesson is, When your down and struggling and having this problems, Theirs always a friend to understand the situation ...My mistake the other day was approaching them, but not in a healthy way..I followed my emotions, rather then thinking in a positive way..I made a big mistake, and they didn't tried to understand me..This what sparks me inside..But, my biggest mistake was didn't gave them a chance to understand me, and i didn't told them whats going through around me..Hopefully, i won't repeat the same mistake, it really hurts..Today's lesson is To connect with the people around you, we must first let them understand us, show our true colour to them.. This s my story for today..Last, Hope the people who are reading this would learned from my mistakes and never to repeat it.."We learned from Our Mistakes"..This is the reason we learn history in the first place..Rite?

This morning will be the day when ill say to myself "Why do you have to do that", of all the regrets i've made this is the day where ill regret the most living as a student in Menglait for 4 yrs..My action today change the way my classmate think of me and I know that they are terrified of me right now..This morning was the first time when my heart,my instinct, my bare hands and worst of all my head was only focused on beating my three classmate( boys )..Its better if my head wasn't thinking because for some reasons I' going to hold back but the thing is my head was only focused and beating them, my head was saying "just beat them as much as u can, don't hold back, satisfy your feeling".i didn't care if i was going to the discipline room ..My thoughts were hurting them as badly as i can..

The reason for my bad actions today was because my classmate( boy ) played with my state of emotion..the called me things which I'm not proud of, and one playing with my pride..I know that there is a reason for this and I'm still figuring it out..But when the discipline teacher asked them what was the reason but there wasn't any..There were just playing around..But what upsets the most is, it wasn't the first time, last Thursday was the fourth..But although i definitely didn't deserve it, and i know I'm right I'm still figuring out why..The details of what i did to my classmate this morning is not going to be here but u can ask me..But I'll say that i hurt them badly and one of them will not be sleeping comfortably tonight, and the worst part is hey didn't even touch me..Maybe they think that they were wrong..or maybe they know if they did touch me it going to be worst er..But I'm planning to let everything out, I'm going to explain them next Monday what i am going through as a student adapting to my form 4..

Much has happened this year, I'm still accepting my past, my classmate rite now, accepting my class and others..Form 4 is a new surrounding to me and it still is even 4 four months had passed..And I'm planning on explaining this things to them, and let them understand what I'm going through..I'm not a person who lets go of things easily..Through explaining them and confronting them i hoped they'll forgive me for what i did this morning..especially the girls i know some of them are having phobia rite now and scared for my actions earlier..But i wish they'll understand me, and get to know me deeper through my confrontation next Monday..and hopefully the ones i hurt will forgive me..

Today is a chapter of my life which I'm going to regret for the rest of my life because in the end of the day u u know that friends are the best gift a person could have, rite?..and lastly i hoped one day ill forgive myself for what i did..Because a person that i inspired to once said "A part of moving on is to forgive yourself and accepting your past"..I know i will someday but i know i don't really know when..I learned a lesson today, "beating may be satisfying at first, but in the end of the day, regrets is the only thing you'll be getting"..And what sads me rite now is Im hating myself..I shouldn't touch them, their my brothers and i hate myself rite now..I know a part of succeeding is loving yourself..But im not rite now ..But ill try my best..But i know its going to be difficult or maybe impossible..But through explaining things to my classmate and teacher next Monday, maybe ill do..And i sure hoped so..For the time being, I'm feeling down and alone..ill update on this more as soon as problem solve..

Okay, this is the first update one me..This day is quite important to me, i just punk'd my 3 girlfriends(friends), it all started when we had assembly in the hall today to talk about Menglait Sport's Day 2009 (which i was awarded for another two medals) the girls was worried that there was going to be a spotcheck since that they did bring their mobile and since my bag had a secret compartment, they decide to placed them in it..But there weren't any spotcheck in the hall, but i had stomch ache on the next lesson and i decided to go home, that's when they think that im brongon their mobile(huhu)when i told my sir that i was going the girls were shock and one of my friend was nearly crying c Najah..then i just smiled to them, it was quite funny though bcoz i left it in my drawer..Then i told my closest friend to tell them that their mobile was in my drawer at 12am..huhu ..Then on my way back to my house i was smiling all the time although my stomach hurts..it was quite a funny day actually..Following in the afternoon there was cca , nothing unsual though..But after the cca i went straight to football training for FFBD tournament, but the thing was my football shirt wasn't washed yet, then i wore my arsenal football jersey for the 2nd time but my coach acted like its okay..The training was fun though although it was a fitness training..Training ended, then that is where my coach starts talking about my shirt he asked me why i didnt wore my pusu jersey..I told him that it wasn't washed then he replied "PANIPU"..i was looking down at the grass with anger inside..Next he said "prasan star"..He talk and talk..After it ended we we was permised to go home..I was so angry at that time..Then he asked me to put footballs on the back of his car, he was putting back cone and skittles too..I was quite at that time..Then my coach said "Coach bukan kn mendownkn kau, tdi atu untk players yg lain sebenarnya, klau kau coach faham" and that's when it all turned..i start smiling a little and shake hands..I was angry without understanding it first..this to me is not appropiate, although at times were feeling angry because of ourselves or other people but try to understand about it, put your thoughts on it..I learnt today that everything happens for a purpose or reason..Rite??

This is my first post in my blog..I just wanna talk on something.. At first, i wasn't really convinced on making my own blog, sharing on about my private life to people, friends & family..And some of the people i know thinks that blogging are for gay people(i mean for men)..Well, in my opinion it depends whether your using is as a diary to record everyday about what is happening to their lives and bragging about it(this which i think looks gay) or your using it to record every great day you had or important days that just happened, sharing it and discuss about it, giving opinion and making it as a lesson, understanding it and hoping to change people thoughts and opinion on something and relate it to their lives..Aside from that, it also keeps people updated to me so that nobody going to ask me "so, is there anything new?"..Hopefully in the future, there's going to be people out there including me, would read this blog and know that i went through this and that,happy moments, sad moments, * me in pursuing my future* and hopefully make it as a positive thing that they can relate to theirs and also make it as an inspiration for them going after their future, like what my oldest brother gave me..amin..This is my purpose..In a way we can get so many posivtive things on blogs..So, here i am finally convinced my self on blogging..To all of my readers, thank you so much and hoped you liked my talk just now and more of it in the future..