..In Pursuit Of My Future..

This morning will be the day when ill say to myself "Why do you have to do that", of all the regrets i've made this is the day where ill regret the most living as a student in Menglait for 4 yrs..My action today change the way my classmate think of me and I know that they are terrified of me right now..This morning was the first time when my heart,my instinct, my bare hands and worst of all my head was only focused on beating my three classmate( boys )..Its better if my head wasn't thinking because for some reasons I' going to hold back but the thing is my head was only focused and beating them, my head was saying "just beat them as much as u can, don't hold back, satisfy your feeling".i didn't care if i was going to the discipline room ..My thoughts were hurting them as badly as i can..

The reason for my bad actions today was because my classmate( boy ) played with my state of emotion..the called me things which I'm not proud of, and one playing with my pride..I know that there is a reason for this and I'm still figuring it out..But when the discipline teacher asked them what was the reason but there wasn't any..There were just playing around..But what upsets the most is, it wasn't the first time, last Thursday was the fourth..But although i definitely didn't deserve it, and i know I'm right I'm still figuring out why..The details of what i did to my classmate this morning is not going to be here but u can ask me..But I'll say that i hurt them badly and one of them will not be sleeping comfortably tonight, and the worst part is hey didn't even touch me..Maybe they think that they were wrong..or maybe they know if they did touch me it going to be worst er..But I'm planning to let everything out, I'm going to explain them next Monday what i am going through as a student adapting to my form 4..

Much has happened this year, I'm still accepting my past, my classmate rite now, accepting my class and others..Form 4 is a new surrounding to me and it still is even 4 four months had passed..And I'm planning on explaining this things to them, and let them understand what I'm going through..I'm not a person who lets go of things easily..Through explaining them and confronting them i hoped they'll forgive me for what i did this morning..especially the girls i know some of them are having phobia rite now and scared for my actions earlier..But i wish they'll understand me, and get to know me deeper through my confrontation next Monday..and hopefully the ones i hurt will forgive me..

Today is a chapter of my life which I'm going to regret for the rest of my life because in the end of the day u u know that friends are the best gift a person could have, rite?..and lastly i hoped one day ill forgive myself for what i did..Because a person that i inspired to once said "A part of moving on is to forgive yourself and accepting your past"..I know i will someday but i know i don't really know when..I learned a lesson today, "beating may be satisfying at first, but in the end of the day, regrets is the only thing you'll be getting"..And what sads me rite now is Im hating myself..I shouldn't touch them, their my brothers and i hate myself rite now..I know a part of succeeding is loving yourself..But im not rite now ..But ill try my best..But i know its going to be difficult or maybe impossible..But through explaining things to my classmate and teacher next Monday, maybe ill do..And i sure hoped so..For the time being, I'm feeling down and alone..ill update on this more as soon as problem solve..